Foreign Policy Advice for the New Administration

Our new supreme overlords will come into office with no shortage of advisors, good and bad.  Here are my suggestions for Foreign policy:

1.  Russia.  Instead of something pointlessly stupid and high-schoolish like a “reset button”, just let your ambassador quietly tell his counterparts that the adults are back in charge again.  We make no apologies for how the last administration ran things.  Adults know how this works.  No one needs to say anything.  Russia is not the traditional enemy of the United States.  The Soviet Union was and they don’t exist any more.  The Soviets were our enemies because they were communist.  The Russians are not communist.  Communists had a plan for global conquest and pillage.  The Russians do not. There is no reason at all why the USA and Russia cannot be the best of friends on a wide range of issues.
2. China.  Again.  Not our enemies.  Even though DoD wants to paint them as enemies because that is how you convince congress that the Navy needs to get bigger, even though we already have more aircraft carriers than the rest of the world put together… twice.   China has is already a huge trade partner with us.  They have the potential, if treated right, to become a close national friend on a host of areas including anything having to do with their part of the world.  We don’t need to keep living with them in conflict.  We should recognize their claims to new islands that they built from scratch and even offer to build some high end hotels there for tourism.  We used to hate China because they were communist.  They are only nominal communist now.  More accurately, they are Mandarin again.  We no longer need them either as a counterweight to Russia or as our trade boogy man.   We do need more fair trade accommodations with them and we can achieve that through tweeking tariffs.  The key is to treat them with respect while we rob them blind.  That is the Chinese way.
3. South Korea.  Guys, we love you like brothers and will always have your back.  But now you are all grown up and you are on your own.  Bring all US forces in Korea and forward deployed in Guam and Japan back to bases in the USA.  Any US forces that are maintained because of the possibility of another Korean war should be disbanded or mothballed.  That war is a fantasy and isn’t even a useful fantasy now.
4. Syria, Iraq, ISIS.   See #1.  No apologies for the inept incompetence and crass corruption of the Obama/Clinton administration.  Jut tell the Russians we are pulling all our efforts out of Syria.  Tell any Syrians that trusted Obama that they were foolish and NO, they may not come to the USA for asylum.  Suggest they seek terms with the Russians and Syrians before it is too late. Tell the Iraqis they are on their own now.  It is time to leave the nest.  They have plenty of stuff to defeat the gibbering raghead army of ISIS, in Iraq.  Withdraw all of US forces from Iraq.
5. Europe.  Expanding NATO.  NATO was created to thwart the Soviet Union.  Declare victory and have a parade.  Send a US marching band to participate, then disband the band.  Alternatively, invite Russia to join NATO and the circle will be complete.  Russia is not anyone’s enemy.  Then Russia stops fearing NATO expansion.  For the Rest of Europe, pull all US forces out of Europe and close all bases there, return them to their host countries.  All of our European bases exist to fight the cold war.  That war is over.  We no longer need any of that costly infrastructure.  Close it up.  Bring the people and equipment home.
6. Africa.  There is no reason at all for the US government to care even the smallest bit about anything going on in Africa.  Cut them off from the internet and let them take another century to grow up.  Disband AFRICOM.  We don’t need a global military headquarters for coordinate military forces in countries that we are not at war with. In fact, disband the other regional military HQ too.  How arrogant is it that our country divides up the entire planet into military HQs and assigns generals and admirals to be “in charge” of them.
7. Cuba.  Make Castro (the one still alive) an offer he can’t refuse.  Buy him out. Gold is a LOT cheaper than guns, bombs and Jet fuel.  Show him what happens to fallen dictators and their families and offer him a pleasing alternative.  Then drop a 500 pounder in his home if he refuses.  Tell the world we are sick and tired of having that human cesspool off our shore all this time.  We have decided to liberate the Cuban People.  Communism is a sick anachronism that needs to stop. Drop a 500 pounder into every one of his homes and flop houses just to make sure you get him.  Ask the Germans and Russians to take over running the country for ten years while they recover from communism.  Both countries have personal experience at doing that and are looks favorably on by the Cuban people.
8. The UN.  Suspend dues and voluntary humanitarian payments until the UN ends its century of corruption and anti-American activities (which they will never do, so win-win).  Suspend the diplomatic credentials of every UN representative and their entire staffs, except the ones that actually pay the top 80% of dues. Without those credentials, you get expelled from the USA and don’t come back.  Have deputies standing by to escort them to the airport. If you are a parasite country in the UN, find someplace else to meet.  We don’t need your grubby pretentious aristocracies double parking in our streets.  If the UN wants to set up HQ in some other country, that would be fine.  I would then seize their building in NYC under eminent domain and turn it into public housing and a free clinic for NYC poor.
9. Afghanistan.  Dear Afghans, We don’t give a fuck about you.  Eat shit and die.  We should withdraw all forces from that country and all assistance of any kind.  Tell them it is time to be grown ups.  If they screw it up again, we will be back and kill more of them. A LOT more. And we won’t stick around and build schools and dig wells and let huge contracts that your family members can skim from.  We aren’t going to play that game anymore.  We know you are a corrupt 7th century society that still rapes children from amusement.  We can’t fix what is wrong with you.  We can only kill you if you try to leave your borders and stir up shit in the rest of the world.  We are really good at killing you.  you are totally dependent on us to show mercy and stop killing you, you worthless shits.  You talk a big game about being the graveyard of empires, but in reality, you are the ass end of empires that are busy doing other things in the real world and just don’t care about trying to fix you any more.  When we leave you again, it is not us surrendering.  It is us talking back our hostages and human shields.  It is us declaring that now your whole country is a legitimate target.  Grow up and play nice.
10. Allow no immigration from the Islamic world.  Not even to visit Disney World.  Screw them.  If some Arab sheik wants to invest here, he can hire a barrister from the UK to hire a lobbyist from DC to do it for him.

I probably left something out, but the world is a big place.