I suffer from being overly introspective. I think too much. Being busy helps me think more positive thoughts. I have been very inactive lately. Thus, I have had sufficient time to perform a comprehensive mid-life analysis of my performance thus far. I am not impressed with myself.
- I was born into this world to fight a war that never happened. I trained and harnessed my energies to prepare my mind and body to participate in the big fight. WW3. Us against the communist hoards. Communism was evil. It deserved to be fought. It was a noble, virtuous, and vital task to devote service and material to that cause. Then the USA surrendered without a fight and started electing communists to rule over us. What was the point? Why bother to contain the USSR at the cost of the Korean conflict, Vietnam, the African wars, Cuba, Central America? Why did we waste trillions on an arms race to defeat an enemy we had no intention of fighting? I never got to be a great general of my time. Or a mediocre general. Or a Colonel. Or even a Light Colonel. My lifetime of service to the US Army never amounted to more than just being another member of a bloated bureaucracy. I worked at a mindless government job because it pleased other people to create mindless government jobs. I was a very small cog in a very large wheel and after diligent application of observation, I discovered that that large wheel was not in fact connected to anything. All the effort was futile, and never intended to create good work or any work at all.
- I was born to love one woman with all my heart, with a passion that consumes the soul. She would be my helper, hand-made by God for that purpose. She and I would together make the world a better place by living in it and creating smaller versions of ourselves who would themselves make the world a better place by living in it. I never met her. If she ever existed (I suspect a few hundred thousand of her existed), she met and married a man who was 6 ft tall. They had 4 children who grew to be tall and beautiful and her life was much better than it would have been with me. But even if I had met her, she wouldn’t have even noticed me. Perfect women don’t choose imperfect men to settle the world with.
- I was born the patriotic son of a virtuous and strong country. If my country called, I would answer. It was MY country. It was filled with MY people. They spoke My language, practiced MY culture, and lived a lot like me. We could celebrate our religious and national holidays together because we all shared the rich and fruitful history that brought us to this place. That country is gone. My people were replaced by immigrants, with the willing collusion of our national leaders and those who would be our new aristocracy. Our great institutions have all been suborned and make ineffective. Our freedoms: Gone. Our minimal essential liberties: regulated and granted to us in exchange for licensing fees. The legal traditions of common law and the rule of law going back to the Magna Carta have been replaced by the fashionable opinions of 5 of 9 unaccountable judges, appointed by mostly out of power presidents. What is there any more that is worth defending here? Not a damn thing. Less so worth pillaging the American taxpayers to support mythical wars against Chinese and Russian “aggression”.
- I was created to please a powerful God who cared so much about me that he sacrificed his own son to save me. Yet in all my study of history, I can find no more than casual indifference by this god for a thousand years of human kind. While I don’t think the creator of the universe and everything in it owes me anything, I can only ascribe His influence in my life as being casually random. In concert with the Church, my actions should have prevailed against the gates of Hell. Yet I find the modern church not worthy of even condemning. Criticism would imply I still cared that they might improve themselves and be more worthy of their mighty purpose on this planet.
Thus… As I sum up the whole of my existence so far, I must conclude that it has been pointless. I was a stand in actor for a bit part in a darkened corner of the stage for a play that never opened. If I were to suffer a heart attack or stroke, I can see no reason why anyone should expend effort to preserve me.