Stupid Home Security Advice

I knew I shouldn’t do it.  But I did.  I clicked the sponsored ad and went here.

A list of suggestions written by a home security company on what to if you are home during a break in.

Before the break in:

  1. Make a plan.  A plan that includes a whole bunch of things that are not going to help you during a real break in.  Also, once you start planning, it is more difficult to avoid tossing around labels like “premeditation” at your trial.
  2. Install a home security system and lock yourself in at night.  Wow.  Who would have thought of that?  Maybe a company that sells home security systems?  What does a home security system do?  It notifies a call center that your alarm has been activated.  Then that call center calls you to see if you accidently tripped it again, like you did the last 500 times.  The truth is, that 99.99 % of home security systems are installed in homes that are never going to be broken into.  Companies that install them know that.  But if in the event your home does have a system, and it does get broken into, THEN, that security company will call 911 and wait on hold, just like everyone else.  Just like you would have if you called them yourself.  And when the security company calls 911, they are more than likely to not get assistance since the police dispatcher knows that 99.99% of home security system alarm activations are not related to actual criminals so it is safe to ignore them.
  3. Keep your car keys handy.  So you can drive to your safe house, the one that doesn’t have burglers inside it.

During a robbery:

1.  Don’t make a sound.

This is potentially really bad advice.  Tactically it is good advice since it give you the upper hand in a fight.  But that is called an “ambush” and courts look unfavorably on ambushing people in your own home.  But it is also not good to give the bad guys too much information.  I recommend making only one sound:  The sound of the slide on your pump action shotgun chambering a round.  This provides just enough information to the burgler for him to make wise choices concering his immediate future.

Instead, get up and lock your door* as quietly as possible.

Evidently, this person has never lived in any sort of house or apartment built in North America.  If he had, he would know that interior doors that are locked, have no barrier value sufficient to stop anything larger than a rabid racoon.  A locked interior door tells the bad guys, “I am in here”.   If you get a chance, lock the door accross the hall from you, Then then the bad guys are kicking that door in, you now have an advantageous firing position on them.  Oh, but there goes that whole “premeditation” thing again.

Listen very closely to see if you can guess how many intruders there are.

Like any skilled surgeon, you want to account for all the parts before closing up.

Do you hear speaking?

Are they speaking with German accents?  They might be Austrians, so be preparred for that.  If possible, get ahold of one of their radios so you can taunt them as you pick them off one at a time.

Is there any auditory evidence of a weapon?

You mean like SHOOTING? So what if there were?  I would normally assume the bad guys are armed and go from there.  Confirmation adds no useful information and I am certainly not going to wait behind a corner listing long enough to find out. Even if they are unarmed, they still pose a lethal threat to me and my family.  They can beat me to death with their bare hands, choke me, or even club me using common objects they find in my home (like those heavy brass larmps).  This is stupid advice.  Information has value, purpose and cost.  If the value and purpose are zero and futile, then it isn’t worth the cost of getting it.

2. Call 911 immediately.

That word you are using does not mean what you think it means.  If you intend to say “immediately”, then this becomes item #1, not item #2.  Chances are, the 911 operator is not going to get there in time to help you.  Nor is she (almost always a she) going to send help that will get there in time.  While you are dialing, the bad guys have closed the distance to your room.  you will never get the chance to give a detailed message to the 911 operator because you are already in a knife fight.  You are on your own.  What she will do is record everything you say so that it can be used in a court of law… AGAINST YOU.

You:   “You honor, I killed those 8 guys with MS-13 tattoos because I was afraid for my life”.

Prosecutor:  “Ladies of the jury, does this sound to you like the voice of a scared man?  Or the voice of a racist, cold-blooded killer, gleefully waiting his chance to kill those poor immigrants who couldn’t read his English-only warning signs?”

Plus the operator may have helpful advice in case something doesn’t go according to your plan.

Seriously?  Like what?  “Aim high, your adrenalin will cause you to shoot lower than normal”.  Nope.  More likely, she will tell you the same great advice she gave to George Zimmerman.  “You don’t need to do that”.  And that advice will be used against you in a court of law.  It is best to call 911 after the smoke clears.  Or after the shooting starts, your neighbors can call 911 with another of their “damn guy next door is shooting his guns again” complaints.  The cops will definitely roll on that.

3. Unless you are a trained professional, don’t grab a weapon.  A trained professional “what”?  A trained professional HVAC repair man?  What does my licensure status have to do with anything?  This is a potentially lethal situation where bad people have entered my home and might want to kill me.  I don’t care if you are the village idiot.  You have a right to self preservation and a gun gives you an advantage over not having a gun.

If you use another weapon, such as a firearm and are not a trained professional, you run the risk of hurting yourself or a family member.

As opposed to the harm that the bad guys are going to do?  How about a little back of the envelope risk assesment here.  The risk of accidentally hurting people I care about versus the risk of them getting intentionally harmed by criminals who have entered my home.  Do the Freaking math.

And when a weapon is in your hand, you also run the risk of arriving police officers mistaking you for the intruder!

Another good reason not to call them until you have put everything away.  Or, if you did call them, remember to put away your weapon before they arrive.    It is also a good idea to tell the 911 operator your description and hope she passes it along to the police so they will know you are not the bad guy.  But in reality, the police arriving at a break in will assume you are the bad guy anyway, whether you have a gun or not.  So, don’t do anything threatening or make any sudden movements.  It’s best to greet them on your front porch, sitting down, stripped to the waist, drinking an adult beverage, no weapons near you.

Typically bad advice.  The one thing on this list that gives you the best chance of survival is the one thing they specifically tell you to not do.  Morons.

The rest of the suggestions are variations of “run and hide”.  If you are locked inside your own home, these are not viable options.

What are viable options:

1.  The single most important factor on improving your home security situation is:  Don’t live near criminals.  Don’t live in cities or in suburbs with more than 10% black and hispanic populations.  Don’t live in immigrant communities unless you are one of them.   If you are a nice white middle class family living in a nice white middle class neighborhood, you don’t need a home security system, a gun, or even a lock on your front door.  No one will bother you.  And changes are very high you will only ever need to dial 911 if you witness a car accident.  If you are black, try like hell to live in a neighborhood that is 90% or more white and benefit from the “herd immunity”.

2.  Get a dog.  A big dog.  Rhodesian ridgeback is my “go to” dog for security.  They won’t eat your kids but will chew the hell out of anything that doesn’t belong snooping around.  And the barking will let you know someone is snooping around.  That gives you an advantage.  If the police shoot your dog then he has done honorable service to your family.  Bury him with dignity and get another one.

3.  Don’t be a criminal.  If you aren’t using recreational drugs, or selling and buying stollen property, then you don’t come into contact with criminals and they don’t get a chance to covet your property.  Criminals have a much higher rate of being crime victims than non-criminals.

4.  Buy a gun.  Learn how to use it.  Practice using it inside your house.  Think through (premeditation) how you would use it to defend yourself and your family.  Talk through the scenarios that could happen.  Keep your guns loaded and accessible in more than one location in your home or on your body.

5.  Learn to lie effectively.  Tell the police and courts only what they need to know and then STFU.  When the police arrive at your door, they will be looking for an obvious criminal to arrest.  50% chance it will be you.  SAY NOTHING.  If pressed, don’t lawyer up, that gets cops defensive and convinces them that you are guilty for sure.  Instead say, “Oh, SWEET JESUS, officer am I glad to see you.  I am so scared I can’t think straight.  I just need to sit here drinking this adult beverage to calm down. ”  The threat to your safety doesn’t end just because MS-13 members on your front lawn are room temperature.  Now you have to defend yourself from the legal system.  Depending on where you live, there is a 50-50 chance of you being punished for defending yourself.  Learn where those places are that punish home defenders and don’t live there.  If you have to defend yourself in court, you ARE being punished already.  Even if you win, the legal fees you will have to pay will be punitive.  Real winning at this stage is the police patting you on the back as they leave you in your own home and promising to clean up the trash on your lawn for you.






About No One

I am totally non-threatening
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3 Responses to Stupid Home Security Advice

  1. Heresolong says:

    If possible, get ahold of one of their radios so you can taunt them as you pick them off one at a time.

    Almost spit coffee on my keyboard laughing. That was a close one.


  2. ddswaterloo says:

    True enough. But Diversity means chasing DOWN the last white person.

    Getting freedom from it is difficult.


  3. The single most important factor on improving your home security situation is: Don’t live near criminals. Don’t live in cities or in suburbs with more than 10% black and hispanic populations.



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