I Will Not be Running for President in 2016

I thought you would all like to know this, since I have been jerking the whole country around on this issue since 2012.

I called a press conference to announce that I was not running, but all the press was already at someone else’s announcement that he isn’t running.

All of my billionaire donors have already been notified.

My reasons for not running are simple. Even though I did not already suffer a humiliating defeat against the unarguably easiest to beat democratic candidate in a hundred years, I feel that this is just not the right time for my candidacy. Please stay tuned as I continue to jerk you around for the 2020 elections though. I don’t want you to think that I am giving up because I understand I had no chance of winning, or because the American people simply would rather have an illigitimate, chain smoking, Marxist, elitist baboon than me as president, so let’s just say wi will be devoting more time to my family.

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About No One

I am totally non-threatening
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